What does the breath have to do with toxic leadership?

I remember one particular job early on in my career where at every staff meeting, my boss would air her grievances on how we sucked. She’d lash out and just not be kind to us. It reminds me of Festivus.

She was an amazing teacher because she taught me the qualities that I didn’t want to take on as a future leader. A direct line from my resignation letter:

“I believe that employees should be held accountable for their actions, but I don't appreciate the constant reminders that we will be reprimanded for any mistakes. It causes unnecessary stress in the work environment and doesn't seem conducive to building a trusting team.”

And she was SHOCKED that I resigned because she didn't realize that she was creating a toxic workplace.

This early learning led me to realize that often leaders with toxic tendencies don’t have an awareness of their impact on others.

Some toxic behaviors I’ve witnessed are an inability to take feedback, unapproachable, lack of transparency and micromanagement as a tool to retain control.

Leaders who manage in this manner operate from a reactive space, not an empowered or grounded space. It’s frustrating and demoralizing to work within this environment and causes good people to leave the difference-making space.

An initial antidote to deal with this is to remember their humanity.

They operate from a space of fear. Fear of what - I can only assume. Fear of loss of control, not wanting to look ‘bad.’ Often, their whole identity is wrapped up in the role so if you critique their leadership, you’re criticizing them which results in a defensive stance.

I’ve had to unlearn my own harmful behaviors when under stress. 

I used to think I was great under pressure, especially when facing grant deadlines and board demands. But that perception changed when I took a leadership assessment years ago. 

The results shocked me because it was NOT flattering. 

The assessment measured how I responded when under stress and when relaxed. It was about anabolic versus catabolic energy.  Anabolic energy is usually deemed as positive: expansive, constructive, and growth-oriented whereas catabolic energy is the negative aspect: contracted, destructive, and fixed-oriented. 

So the assessment showed me that yes, when things are good and in flow, then I did show up with good energy and positivity. 

But when things got stressful, I‘d react poorly with my behavior and my thoughts. And as we know, things get stressful when leading organizations. I was floored by this insight. 

I immediately signed up for coaching because when you have an ah-ha moment, it’s important to lean into those moments and explore. And I needed someone to hold space for me and more importantly to point out my blind spots.

This marked a more intentional part of my inner work journey because up to that point, I had read personal development books and watched documentaries. 

During this particular chapter, I gained insight into how I responded when under stress. I’d isolate myself and get snippy. I’d have the inner dialogue that it’s easier if I took care of a task rather than taking the time to explain to someone else.

By taking stock and being intentional, I started becoming aware of my reactions - both physically and mentally. I became aware of my thoughts when put under stress. I wasn’t speaking my mind and being open about the stress.

I especially noticed that I didn't ask for help because I had defined that as a sign of weakness. Aah, such naivete. 

As Brene Brown states, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” I was missing out on so much by not engaging in the practice of vulnerability.

So what did practicing vulnerability look like for me? It was ok to be scared and not have all the answers. 

At that time, my organization was going through a difficult time financially. It was ok to ask for help and lean on those around me. This was something that my fiercely independent self really had to learn and feel my way through the discomfort. 

“I need help.” This sentence started becoming easier for me to say. 

And this shift came about because I started engaging in practices to raise my self-awareness. 

How well you lead truly depends on your self-awareness.

Are you aware of your impact on others? And do you care? This second question is important to answer. If you don’t care about showing up aligned with your values, then this won’t resonate. 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

If you’re feeling like you may be engaging in these behaviors, simply start with the breath. Meaning taking notice of your thoughts and behaviors under stress. Notice what external stressors cause you to react. When we’re feeling ‘under attack,’ usually our breath becomes shallow and quickens.

So instead, take a deep breath and be in the moment. Ask yourself, “What’s stressing me out? And how can I respond with integrity?”

My invitation to you this week is to reflect on your values and then ask if you are showing up aligned with those values. 

Now is the time for leaders to ask themselves: Am I leading with my values? Or am I doing harm - intentionally or unconsciously?

We’re all leaders in how we choose to show up in our interactions - we can have a positive or negative influence. Our choice. 

I hope this serves you.​​ Until next time, as always, be gentle & kind to yourself. 

Shalini