I knew I was in trouble …

I knew I was in trouble when I felt numb while listening to a constituent share details of the violence she was experiencing in her home. This was when I was an advocate for survivors of violence years ago.

She was crying, and I offered her a tissue box. I told her what her options were and how my organization could help. 

While my actions were ‘correct,’ I was just going through the motions as I had had this conversation numerous times.

I no longer was seeing her as a unique person with her own story. Instead, she was simply the next person in a long line.

This numbness was showing up in other areas of my life.

I tended to cancel weekend plans because I was exhausted from the week so would just hibernate at home. I would rationalize it to myself that I was resting.

And yet, I was still exhausted after a weekend of ‘rest.’

When I did find myself in social settings with new folks, I’d gloss over my job because I didn't want to hear the ‘oh, that’s so great you do such work’ or ‘I wish I did more meaningful work like you.’ Ugh. 

I used to love talking about my work. 

What was happening? Why was I avoiding conversations?

Where was that passion that had fueled me for years?

Simply put, I was experiencing ‘compassion fatigue.’

I no longer had the capacity to empathize - to allow the feelings in and instead put walls up when constituents were in my office.

It was too much for my system to bear witness to suffering on a daily basis.

Especially since boundaries were NONEXISTENT.

I took the work home on weekday evenings and went into the office on Sundays to get a jumpstart to the week.

I didn’t push back if additional tasks were put on my plate because I wanted to be a team player.

Does any of this sound familiar?

If you're feeling compassion fatigue, don't feel guilty because it's a natural byproduct of wanting to do good.

When we choose difference-making work, we want to change the world - we want to have an impact.

But what happens when we’re no longer good for the work? 

This was clearly the case when I was an advocate. I no longer was serving at my best.

So I had to make a decision.

Do I leave the social impact space even though I still felt committed to the work?

Or do I shift my behaviors and unlearn the toxic myth that my self-worth is tied in with my productivity?

I chose the latter.

So what changed? My circumstances didn’t change, but my perception and practices did.

Here are 3 ideas to explore if you’re at all feeling this way …

1. Be honest with yourself. Start observing yourself to see how you’re showing up: with energy or exhaustion. I had to recognize that things weren’t ok and that the work was taking its toll. I perceived myself as someone having it all together so by acknowledging this, I was questioning my very identity. What would it mean if I admitted I didn’t have it all together?

I think this is why we often stay in situations that no longer serve us because we’ve become so self-identified with the situation.

2. Do the opposite of your automatic response. Once I started questioning my reality, I started experimenting by doing the opposite of my default behaviors. This meant that instead of isolating myself, I connected more often with loved ones. Instead of saying everything was fine, I started sharing my capacity and what I could take on my plate. 

3. Invest in your inner work. When I started doing the inner work, I realized that I had blind spots - it’s hard to see our own shortcomings. When I worked with Christine, my first coach, she helped me see that my identity of having to do things myself came from childhood stories. She helped me shift my stories and to see that there was strength in asking for help and in sharing my feelings. It was ok not to have it all together. 

If you’re feeling compassion fatigue and want to do your work more sustainably, please schedule your free “Getting Clarity” Assessment. You deserve to do the work with more energy and fulfillment, and I’d love to help you on your journey.

Until next time, as always, be gentle and kind to yourself. 

Shalini